


Too Late, He's Gone.

by iameveryonelse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Dean Winchester-centric, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Oblivious Dean Winchester, POV Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, Sam Knows, This Is Sad, dean is in mourning, dean is too late in his realizations, referenced jess/sam, seriously theres no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26988022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iameveryonelse/pseuds/iameveryonelse
Summary: Dean Winchester is no stranger to loss.In fact it seems to be the only constant in his life. Yet this time, this time is catastrophically different. This time he cannot breathe for the pain of it, this time Dean knows how he feels, this time its Cas and its too late.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 17





	Too Late, He's Gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I have only seen up to s11 of supernatural, but am aware of the s15 plot/spoilers etc, so you can take this as Cas dying at any point between s12-15.
> 
> I'm warning you, this fic is just sad, no happy ending.

Dean Winchester is no stranger to loss.

In fact, it seems to be the one constant in his life. No matter what path he takes, what choices he makes, death follows him. Dean casts his shadow over people long enough, or sometimes not long at all, and they fall away, into oblivion. People he loves, people he doesn't even know until their paths cross wherever his life takes him- it doesn't matter. Fate is a cruel thing, and it doesn't discriminate. Though, Dean thinks bitterly, it has a fondness for those close to Dean. His mother, then his father, then Sammy, so many times he can't count, Bobby, Charlie, Kevin, the list goes on. Maybe he ought to be numb by now - _by god he wishes he was_ \- but Dean feels each loss like a blow straight in the heart, and he wonders each time, 'how can I go on?'

And yet the pyres light and the ashes are scattered, and Dean goes on. When it's Sammy, it's different of course, he doesn't ever give up on Sammy, but with the others, Dean does move on. Maybe it takes a killing spree or hunting the thing that did it, but he moves on. Because as much as he hates it, the world needs Dean Winchester. 

This time however, is catastrophically different. This one hurts Dean so much he cannot breathe for the pain of it. Each second is agony, each breath feels like a curse. There is no lashing out in anger, or even drowning sorrows in drink, there is just pain. He can't even bear being near the pyre, Sam does it all himself. Dean would choose hell hundreds of times over, over this. When he shuts his eyes all Dean can see is familiar hands grasping his coat, those lips trying to form words, blazing eyes growing distant and a pair of ebony wings, forever scorched onto the earth. When his eyes are open, Dean imagines that any second he will reappear, he finds himself whipping round at the slightest noise, ready to pull him towards him in a crushing hug and say "it's good to see you, Cas". 

But Dean will never say those words again. 

Dean doesn't do much of anything these days. Sometimes he drifts through the bunker, like a ghost, but only when Sam is out. Mostly he stays in bed, sitting up and staring at his wall. Sam leaves three meals on his bedside table every day, most of which go untouched. Alcohol hasn't been consumed since it happened, and Dean just exists. He exists, wasting space and oxygen and Sammy's time and all he can think is _why couldn't it have been me?_ It's been around two weeks when Sam gets mad, and tells him he has to eat or Sam's going to kill him himself "you son of a bitch". Dean sits in silence and takes the yelling, until Sam leaves angrily, slamming doors before breaking down into tears in the library. The next day, Dean eats breakfast. He still remains in bed, but he does eat, because if there's one thing he knows it's that he doesn't want Sam to go through anything like Dean is going through now. 

A month has passed when Sam comes in and sits on the bed. He sighs heavily before saying, "you know Dean, I do understand. I can help, you know, when I lost Jess..." he trails off, and his eyes get that faraway look which means he still misses her, and probably always will, before continuing: "I get it, Dean, I do. Let me help."

Dean's first reaction is to be angry, though he's not sure why. He doesn't feel as if anyone could possibly begin to understand this pain. Speaking for the first time in a month, he says, "Jess... Jess was your girlfriend, your first love. It's different." 

It comes out harsh, and his voice is rough and unused, and it grates his throat like sandpaper, but he hurls a glare in Sam's direction anyway. Surprisingly, Sam doesn't look hurt or even offended, and Dean repeats a murmured "it's different." 

"is it, Dean?" 

There's a challenging tone in Sam's voice, and Dean doesn't understand. Of course it's different, it's _Cas_. And when he lifts his head and his eyes meet Sam's, Dean finds he cannot bring himself to say a single thing. Instead, a jolt of _something_ runs through him, and he feels himself gasping for breath. His heart pounds in his chest so loud and fast Sammy can surely hear it, and Dean's hands shake uncontrollably. His head is spinning and reeling and he can't form a coherent thought and the blood drains from Sam's face and his expressions twists into something akin to guilt and shock, and all Dean's younger, smarter, cleverer brother can whisper, horrified, is "you didn't know?" 

Dean wants to say 'know what?' but like a stone falling to the bottom of a lake, dread settles in the pit of his stomach. Because of course he didn't know but now, now he does and it's infinitely worse. All Dean can think about is Cas, Cas' handprint seared on his shoulder, - "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition" - Cas saying "I was getting too close to the humans in my charge, you", Cas invading his personal space and Dean asking him to step back when he should have pulled him closer and never let him go. 

Cas, and his messy hair and sideways tie and stupid, ugly, adorable trenchcoat, Cas tilting his head and scrunching his face up in confusion to look at Dean when he made a pop culture reference, Cas saying he'll be the only one around when everyone else is dead and gone. (and now Cas is the one dead and gone and Dean is alone). Cas rifling through Dean's toiletries and saying that he'll stay with them, Dean making a sarcastic comment about a slumber party, but really he was glad wasn't he? Glad that Cas wanted to stay, with them, with Dean. Cas sitting dead in an office chair in April's home, Dean's hands cupping his face and Dean's voice breaking as he calls his name. The tsunami of relief when Gadreel saved Cas, hitting Dean so hard he almost stumbled. Cas hurting Dean, hitting him until Dean said "I need you" and broke through Naomi's clutches. (he should have said it then, Dean thinks.) 

Cas' voice breaking as he says "I always come when you call" and Dean's pointless anger, Dean for once speaking from his heart saying "I'd rather have you, cursed or not." and the smile he receives in return being worth everything. Cas kissing Meg and Dean's stomach twisting with something he couldn't place at the time. Cas pulling Dean into that alley, shoving him into the wall, punching him, shouting in his face, noses touching and Cas saying "I'm hunted, I rebelled and I did it all, all of it, for you." 

And he did, didn't he? He did it all for Dean and Dean couldn't even see it. 

Cas coming back from purgatory, Cas putting on his trenchcoat and stepping into that motel room and Dean not being able to focus and a little voice in the back of his mind thinking about how Cas looked good. Dean fixing Cas' tie and talking about how humans lie when they want something, god he lied to himself for so long. Dean telling Cas to unbutton his shirt a little before his date, and his mouth going dry and the _want_ filling Dean's mind because Cas looked damn fine and Dean losing his train of thought at so much as one less button undone. 

Cas lying, wounded and hurt and broken, on the floor, meeting Dean's eyes and saying "I love you" the moment of silence stretching, lengthening, growing infinitely until Cas said "I love all of you" which was something different altogether and- 

Why did Dean never say it back? 

Dean is hit by the realisation that, jesus, _no one ever told Cas that they loved him_ and it should have been him, it should have been him. He should have told him. Should have just said "Cas, I love you." 

Because it's always been Cas, who else? Ever since Cas laid a hand on him in hell, they were entwined, and their lives would never be the same, and now... 

Now it's too late, he's gone. 


End file.
